Sinead Kennedy 0:02
only recently in the last few years you know, a friend of mine said oh, you know you have a big personality you want to rein it in if you want to get a man from that is the message we're all getting. Don't be yourself, dye your hair, don't be yourself do this, don't be yourself wear this, don't be yourself and influencers doing something else.
Finola Howard 0:18
That's Sinead Kennedy, author, speaker and Health and Wellness Coach. In this week's episode, we talk about what happens when you spend all your time trying to fit into society's expectations of who you should be. And what happens when you don't have a happy relationship with yourself. We talk about doing a regular life ordered boundary setting and the fact that sometimes you just need to take off the cake. I'm Finola Howard, intuitive marketer, your host and founder of how great marketing works. I believe that every business has a story to tell, because that's how the market decides whether to buy or not. And your story has to resonate with who you are and with the people you want to serve. And this podcast is about helping you reach the market in a way that feels right to you. So if you're an entrepreneur with a dream you want to make real, then this is the podcast for you. Because great marketing is your truth share. Today, I want to introduce you to someone who struck me. I met them on social media, would you believe we often meet people on social media. But what struck me about this person was the absolute certainty that she had in how she answered questions and how she engaged in conversation. And when I looked a little bit closer, just to kind of figure out who she was, I love this phrase that she had, which was about taking full responsibility for your own happiness. So today, I want to introduce you to the lovely Sinead Kennedy. Welcome, Sinead.
Sinead Kennedy 1:52
Hi, Finola, thanks very much for having me.
Finola Howard 1:56
So let's start, let's get stuck in right from the very beginning, you wrote a book called Life as a cycle, which, yes, there's a cycling piece to it as well. But it starts on a journey where you are 32 years old, and there's an intervention and you find yourself in St. Patrick's psychiatric hospital in Dublin.
Sinead Kennedy 2:14
And yes, at 32, I was very unhappy in myself. And unbeknownst to me, at the time, I was very much disconnected from my own path and my passion, and, um, my soul. And I think that's something that's not really discussed, because, you know, at the time, I was irritable, I was angry, I was drinking heavily, I was very much trying to fit into South County Dublin life and you know, get the husband get the house. And I guess growing up, it was just expected that you would slot into that sort of, you know, pigeonhole. And I guess I never really thought about if I actually wanted to be in it, or was I suited to be in it, you know, more to the point. And, and I was unfortunately, going out with the wrong kind of people, and you know, very much getting, you know, caught up in stuff, you know, materialism rather than actually, you know, craving all the things that I did crave, which was traveling, being outdoors, being sporty, being a bit of a hippie, you know, and I really wasn't honoring that side of myself at all. And instead, I was over here going to restaurants, and, you know, just just really trying to live a life that I wasn't meant for. And I just kept getting more and more unhappy, drinking more and more heavier. And then I made a complete show on myself for about the third time at a wedding. And I woke up the next morning, and I just thought, you know, the best thing I could do is just leave this art. It's just, it's not for me, you know, nothing is working, I'm miserable. And I really did feel at the time that the world would be better off without me. And that's a really, really terrible place for anybody to be in. But you know, when you think about it, a healthy young woman of 32 feeling like that about herself. It's so so sad. So anyway, long story short, I did end up on the suicide ward in St. Pat's, for my own safety. And it was incredibly frightening. And really, it gave me the absolute kick in the backside that I needed. And it was a very, very hard lesson. It was incredibly scary to be in there. I was frightened, I was alone. The doctors, you know, through no fault of their own, you know, that's the way they're trained. They were, you know, they had checklists, and do you have this? Do you have this? Do you have this? And I was ticking all the boxes, but I kept saying to them, No, I don't have that. You know, I'm not bipolar. I'm not this. I'm not that. Not a manic depressive. I'm just miserable. Um, um, sometimes the simplest answer isn't the answer. Anybody wants to hear, you know, they want to overcomplicate things, and I just couldn't get it through to anyone's head that actually on reflection sitting here in St. Pat's, realizing what's wrong in my life, and, and the thing that was wrong was everything was wrong. I wasn't living a life that I was happy with. I wasn't fulfilled. And I was disconnected from my soul. And I think that's, you know, in my book, a really huge message that I you know, you know, honoring yourself, being your your own unique self, and accepting yourself as you are and not trying to change yourself to fit into society's expectations. And also, you know, not trying to be something that you're not and, and just removing yourself from yourself is bound to lead to upset and bound to leave, lead to misery. And that's where I was when I got into that. It's an awful, awful hospital, as you can imagine all HSE hospitals, you know, underfunded, they're not exactly decorated with, you know, mental health in mind. And I just sat there in this really, really terrible courtyard that they have with a bench. And, you know, in the book, I describe it, you know, it was so dreary, that even the duck, even the weeds couldn't be bothered to grow there. And you know, there was no sun in there. So even the setting that they put me in with my depression was it was completely depressive. And so So let
Finola Howard 5:56
me ask you, because this is a really interesting perspective, right? Because it's awful that you ended up there, right, but you turn this around. But the the thing that's of interest to me is that usually, in this situation, we hear of people, as you said, with bipolar and stated mental health challenges, and that find themselves there. And you, you have this perspective, which is I was just in the wrong life. And do you think more people are just in the wrong life that end up in that situation? Do you think like, that's just nearly 20 years ago? Now? Do you think that that challenge is on the increase? Are we still have an Ireland that is so influenced by societal norms? Where do you think we are in that? Now?
Sinead Kennedy 6:47
Is this a really good question? And actually, I had this conversation the other day with somebody and Mike, this is my own personal opinion. And nope, not anyone else's. We are all disconnected from our actual souls, okay, we were built to run after our food. Now we're sitting down for 40 hours a week, we're all country, we're not spending enough time in nature, we're not getting our hands and soil, you know, even just growing a few vegetables and just, you know, nurturing things, everything is done for us. Now we can pick up our phone, we can have our food delivered to our door, we can send the laundry out, we're not actually doing any manual labor, you know, people years ago, you know, they used to wash their own clothes, there was a sense of achievement. And you know, I wouldn't give up my washing machine for lovin, or money. But at the same time, it just for me, personally is getting disconnected. We're spending far too much time in shopping centers were stimulated, we're being told we're not enough because you're worth it. All these subliminal messages, you know, if you have a Mercedes, you're going to be happy. No, Happiness doesn't come from having a Mercedes. Happiness comes from being able to get up every morning. Be proud of what you're doing, know that what you're doing is making a difference to yourself and to somebody else. And being able to look at yourself in the mirror every day and say, You know what, you're doing great, you've got this. And I wasn't doing any of those things. I was drinking heavily I was in and out of pubs I didn't want to be in I was sitting in restaurants like that I was buying clothes I didn't need and I just wasn't spending time in nature. I wasn't outdoors enough and and since then, I have completely turned my life around. And and I spend oodles of time outdoors. And now when I go into a shopping center actually can't cope because it just my nervous system is just isn't able for it. It's just too much and too noisy. And, and I literally I'll run in and run out or I will be guilty of online shopping because I just can't bear being in indoor indoor places.
Finola Howard 8:43
But that that what that says to me is that we've created a world and we kind of got a glimpse of this around COVID Anyway created a world that is so artificial. We're rejecting it, our bodies and our souls are rejecting
Sinead Kennedy 8:57
totally, and we're all numbing the pain again, where we we deep down inside, we know there's something wrong, but maybe we just can't articulate it or we just haven't, you know, put two and two together. And that's when we're reaching for drinks for gambling for shopping addictions. You know, and, and social media addiction is a huge problem now, particularly for the young people, you know, and and again, it's all stuff. It's all synthetic highs, you know, and I've since become an addiction coach. And again, we're we're all guilty of getting our highs from synthetic means, but they're never last. So it's next, next, next, next next. Whereas when you're outdoors in nature, and you're fulfilled and you're getting daylight and you know you're you're getting your hands dirty, that high lasts for much, much longer. So that's why people go out for a run or they'll go out for a bike ride or a walk and they'll feel much better for longer than they ever will from buying a Mercedes. So this
Finola Howard 9:52
is not it's not a prescription for a nice to have to be outdoors. You're saying here if I'm hearing you correct To me, that this is actually part of who we are as, as a species, we actually physically have to, like, obligated to for our own health and well being to be actively in nature like going that far not a nice to have no, no,
Sinead Kennedy 10:15
no, it's it is 100% essential, you know, when you think about it, you know, feel if you watch a kid, because you know, they're just so natural, you know, they'll jump in puddles, they'll roll around the dirt, they'll be climbing trees, they're very much in touch with nature, but their animal instincts you know, of climbing, crawling, jumping, you know, all those things. And as adults, we then sit down for 40 hours a week, and then we climb from the computer onto the couch, turn on Netflix. And we are just so disconnected from our actual species, like what our actual, like pure cellular raw human being needs. And that is to move and to, to be doing stuff, not make it not getting stuff, doing stuff is the difference.
Finola Howard 10:58
Let's go back to your story a little bit, because I find this also very interesting. And it's nicely timed now. You checked yourself out of St. Patrick's.
Sinead Kennedy 11:07
I do love that. I have to be very, very, very, very, very, very real here. This is my story. And I know there are people who are in St. Pat's for long journeys, and that's fine. But for me, this is my journey and my story. So like that when I was in St. Pat's, I, you know, they tried to diagnose me with all kinds of things. And this is I had this I had such a route with the psychiatrists. And I, you know, I was really ballsy. And actually, I think this was the first big time that being Gobi really saved my life, because at times, it has got me into trouble. But I sat there and I said to him, how dare you I said, How dare you try and diagnose me with anything, you've literally just met me, you have a checklist, you know nothing about me my past, you know, I was working for jobs trying to pay for my house, I was drinking heavily, I was miserable. I wasn't exercising. And I was eating crap. And and I looked like crap, my hair, my skin, everything. And I gave him a piece of my mind. And I said, you know, I know what's wrong with me and I and it has taken me to come in here to see what's wrong with me and I, I'm gonna fix this. And I'm the only person who can fix it. And he said, You're very sick girl. He said, Don't speak to me like that. And I said, Well, don't use speak to me like that. So it was this kind of like standoff. Don't speak to me like that. Yeah, guns or dawn sort of thing. Like, you know, that's highly disrespectful.
I totally, totally, but you see, you see, again, it's like doctor knows best. And you know, nobody you if you sit down and examine yourself. And this is where again, I talk about life audits. If you can honestly sit down with yourself and get real, you will find the answers. Maybe you need some help to tease them out. And that's, you know, why coaching is so great or whatever. Or maybe the doctor could guide you and say, Listen, this is what I'm thinking, let's talk about it. But instead of it, you know, it's this, you've got this, here's a pill sorted. And I was like, No, that's that's not going to work for me. So anyway, long story short, I checked myself out, it takes 72 hours to check yourself out of a mental institution. And I had to sit there for 72 hours and I wouldn't I was so afraid that they were trying to give me drugs in my food and stuff that I didn't eat. And then they kept telling me I was paranoid and I just I was frightened because I didn't want to be sat there numbed, dribbling in the corner. And and I know that works for some people, but it was definitely not going to work for me. And thank God, thank God, I was still able to hear my spirit or my soul or my inner fire, whatever you want to call it, that that gumption really, really revved up and he lit her He lit a fire in my soul whether he meant to or not, I don't know. But I said to myself, I'm gonna prove that bastard wrong. And that's what I said about my life to do to prove him wrong and I hope he's listening.
Finola Howard 13:53
Okay, I mean, I will just to make this comment, I'm sure it's unusual for our is it wherever you should make that assumption. I wonder Is it unusual for someone like you to be there, you know, to have that perspective and that experience and that presence of mind even at this really low part of your life to get that wake up call and call it and say no, this is not right for me. I unarmed too often to Yeah, to give ourselves our own voice and to activate our own power in our own lives. I think we are
Sinead Kennedy 14:29
numbed and you know this this is gonna sound terrible but you know one of the one of the things that really frightened me in st parts was when I was there one of the first things they did was they came around you know, like a cabin steward on the on the on an airline with a trolley but it was full of drugs and they were literally scooping a cup of drugs here. You take those, you take those pink ones, blue ones, green ones, whatever. And again, I have to be very, very careful here because that might work for some people, but I just knew I was like, Oh Christ, no, I don't I'm not enough. And for some reason, I I was very lucky I was a calm didn t I fell off the wall and I cracked open. I didn't want to be repressed further, I was already repressed by society, by my own beliefs. And by my own negative thinking my mind was, I mean, when I think of the self talk, I mean, I couldn't even look in the mirror at myself, I thought I was so ugly. I, like I just thought I was bad. I thought it was ugly. I thought I was worthless. And and that was brought on by years of whatever I mean, I do I have done some work on that. And it's not something I need to discuss. But I know where a lot of those beliefs came from. And they weren't mine. They were absorbed, absorbed from a young era. The only
Finola Howard 15:41
one, you're not the only one. We're all you. When you when we had our first chat, you talked about too much snus, I actually talked about my own too much in this in my own book. And it's this idea that many of us and a lot of women in particular, are told we're too, too much too strong, too loud, too ballsy, too opinionated, too empathetic to and the list goes on. The list
Sinead Kennedy 16:05
goes on. And it's so sad, you know, and even only recently, in the last few years, you know, a friend of mine said, oh, you know, you have a big personality you want to rein it in if you want to get a man
Finola Howard 16:14
and God so called
Sinead Kennedy 16:17
Don't be yourself and that is the message we're all getting from marketing. Don't be yourself dye your hair don't be yourself do this. Don't be yourself wear this Don't be yourself and influencers doing something else. And we're just
Finola Howard 16:30
I will interrupt you because I am a marketer. Before there was marketing there was the Catholic Church. Yeah.
Sinead Kennedy 16:36
Totally. Exactly. Centuries have gone by and women particularly don't be yourself, just be anything. Be sit there Be quiet, be this be that just be anything other than yourself. And we have all just absorbed that message. Don't be
Finola Howard 16:51
think this is why we have life coaches now. You know, I
Sinead Kennedy 16:56
very luckily what happened me was when I left St. Pat's and I started embarking on this sort of, and, you know, it wasn't like I said, Alright, I need personal development, I need to, you know, become emotionally intelligent. You know, those words weren't even in my vocabulary. I knew I needed to change. And but I didn't really know how. So for me, because there was a lot of shame around what I had done, and people in my family and cousins and you know, you're mortified, people know what you've done. And so I left Ireland, actually. And I went off traveling, and I had always, always, always wanted to work on the cruise ships. And, you know, there's a lovely saying that once the student is ready, the teacher will appear. And on the cruise ship, I became really great friends with a gorgeous American Girl, and we're still friends to this day. And she had a book, you know, called The Secret. And she saw her read that no, but then she had another book and another book and, and it was just like baby steps, you know, you know, and basically, she was teaching me that whatever I thought, like, in my head, whatever I was thinking was going to become real. So I better mind my thoughts. And that was the first step that I ever had to personal development, and baby steps. And then, you know, we started reading other books, and then started listening to podcasts and started listening to YouTube and motivational speakers. But it all all came back to the one common denominator yourself. And, you know, so I got real with myself, but I did take huge personal responsibility for myself. And I did go to coaches, I went to counselors, I went to therapists until I found the teachers that I wanted, you know, because even though some people are giving you the same message, you don't hear it, but yet when something slightly different, you hear it, and and it just opened up this whole world of emotional intelligence, personal development to me. And then, many years later, I was in a relationship and it broke up and I decided, you know, I kind of just need to do something for the winter, like, of course, you know, and I did, I did a life coaching course. And actually, it was amazing for my own personal development. But I loved it so much than that, I got very interested in it. So became a mental health and wellness coach, and then I became an addiction coach, and a business coach. So it's just brilliant to be able to sit down and give people space to hear themselves think like who knew?
Finola Howard 19:17
Yeah, amazing. Who knew? I love it. Yeah. One of the stories that I like that you talk about, which is this idea of when you were a little girl you loved maps, and encyclopedias, and travel and all that kind of stuff. And your, your own medication in inverted commas for getting out of St. Pat's was to go on this cruise ship for a year. But this was kind of the birthplace of your business and this work that you do with like this idea of flying solo, why don't you tell us a little bit about the business?
Sinead Kennedy 19:54
Yeah, sure. So So yeah, um, the cruise ship. I had always, always always wanted to travel like you Sid used to read, I used to Hoover populaces as a kid because it was before the internet. And off I went. So to be honest with you, what happened was it took me so long to get on the cruise ships that I actually did a personal trainer and aerobics instructor course. Because I had always loved Jane Fonda. So I did, she was a huge influence in my life. And I'd love to meet her someday, like before, it's too late to know and say thank you to her. But I decided to become a fitness instructor. And then when I went to London for my onboard cruise ship training, and they said to me, Oh, are there any other qualifications? And I said, Well, actually, yes, I literally just qualified as a fitness instructor. So they said, right, you're going to Singapore, you're going to be a fitness instructor on board, a cruise ship. So I arrived in Singapore, having never taught a class to anybody other than my classmates. And the next thing, I'm there on this five star cruise, you know, to the left to the right, five more, and I loved it. And I really did find my happy place and my soul was alight. And then when I came back to Ireland, I went on, I went to India, then I did my yoga teacher training, then I came back again, and I did my Pilates instructor. And that really was the start of my business. So, so, so yes, and so traveling activity, very, very important to me. And then this flying solo came in, because when I came back to Ireland to settle down, I knew that I couldn't face winters here. So every December I go off, and I take a month abroad, and I have a trip of a lifetime. So I'm very much an advocate of going away on your own. Obviously, I'm lucky I'm as in I'm, I have the time and the means and I don't have a husband and children. But even if it's just going on a day trip, so that's why now I run events that include yoga, and you know, getting away so weekends away or holidays to New York, I run yoga trips in New York in a so that people can step away from their life and travel on their own, but they're safe, I'm there, there's a group there. And they just get timeout to hear themselves think and and it's really, really important to me that you do take time for yourself and that you do fly solo. Because that's the only way I believe you're gonna hear your soul gonna hear yourself. And that's when I have all my most amazing ideas. And that's when the book started, I was sitting on a beach in Cuba. And I took out a pen and paper and just started writing my book. And tell
Finola Howard 22:18
me, we had a quick discussion also about, you know, you're hearing your soul, your speaking your truth, all of that. But talk to me about boundaries. I don't think we talk about boundaries enough in our society.
Sinead Kennedy 22:31
We absolutely don't talk about boundaries enough. Because again, I think we are taught not to say no, you know, I mean, I think I think it is something that really should be learned from a young age. Because if somebody asks through your help, then yes, if you can help them, yes, of course, give them help. But is it detrimental to you? So are you going to have to set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm. And I think that's where we're not taught the line that we're told, Oh, yes, help, help help help others, but at what cost to yourself. So again, that's where I'd be helping people with boundaries. And very often people are coming into me for life coaching. And suddenly, it turns out, they have no boundaries around relationships, or they're giving too much and, and I was very, very guilty of it myself. And there was one guy I was with for years. And now in hindsight, I was the one sitting in, you know, a hole in the cart, and he was sitting in the back having a great time. And like a mule, you know, I ran myself into the ground. And when the mule was dead, he just backed off because there was nothing left to give. So are you the mule? Are you the person sitting in the car? Ideally, the two people are sitting in the car driving and taking it in turns and checking each other. And actually, there was a life changing paragraph in a book and it's Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And that this one little tiny paragraph really just changed my life and summed it up for me, and it's is it a win win? Okay, is it a win win? Do they need help? Can I give help? Yes, it's a win win. Do they need help? Can I not give it is it detrimental? To me, that's a win lose. So basically, it was this notion of win wins, win, lose a lose, win or lose lose. And so which side are you on and you need to trash it out? Whether it's a business meeting, a marriage, a contract, a friendship, until it's a win win until both sides are happy equally, it can never be a lose win, or a win lose. Because if somebody is gaining more than the other, and I just now when the phone rings and people say can you do this for me? I just go back to that in my head and think about like an old fashioned weighing scales. Is it a level playing field? And it's okay sometimes if there's slightly askew because sometimes you are going to have to give more to somebody because of the nature of what they're asking for help. But if they're you know, and it's not about doing things to make sure you get things in return, but it's just about it. How much energy are you depleting to help them? Is it? Is it going into a reserve tank? Or is it just a little, you know, think of a petrol tank, even whatever way you want to work it. But it has to be a win win. And as long as you remember, is it a win win, your boundary setting should get better. So,
Finola Howard 25:16
let's poke a little bit more as well. One of the things that we talked about was, you are a ballsy woman, you have an opinion on several topics. And you found yourself, you know, speaking up a lot, and what what we discussed was having to really assess that as well, because we live in a society where we there isn't, it's, it's not that it's requirements, but it's important that people speak up for others, we have a lot of stuff going on in society at the moment where that we really need to be doing that. But we need to do that in a way that is safe. So how does somebody balanced that choice? Yeah,
Sinead Kennedy 25:57
that's a really good question. And I think, you know, in fairness, this is where I've been sort of really hard to assess my own self, because I would be that person who would maybe say to, you know, tell somebody to shut up like that. And look, we all know what's happened with Natasha, you know, she got her head kicked in for so you know, you know, and in fairness, she was standing up for social injustice. But unfortunately, you know, she ended up very violently being assaulted. So, I think, obviously, using a social media media platform, but again, not not hiding behind it, either. I mean, doing what you can, if, you know, standing, I mean, like going to a March, for instance, is a great way, you know, to stand up for social injustice, finding organizations that are on the same page as you and perhaps following their social media. And then, you know, knowing when they're having a meet up, or that and how you can make a difference. But I do think, obviously, you can't save the world either. And this is something I've really had to check in with myself on because I have an opinion on everything. And every social justice, injustice, I can't actually fix them. Because it's just, it's detrimental to my own health, because I'm getting warmed up about everything. So pick one or two that you're really passionate about, and maybe focus on those. And, you know, and, like, I'm really passionate about animals and animal cruelty. So, you know, helping shelters and things like that is a great way for me to get around that. And educating people on perhaps trap neuter release, you know, for instance, and but, you know, I, I do sometimes wear too much of a Superman cape, and try to save the world. But even so, take off the cape every now and again, and just reassess and go, you know, what, as much as I really want to help that, cause I can't, it's just not something that I can do. I can maybe donate to it, but I just can't get involved right now. And that would be my advice to anyone is, look, you're you can't save the world. But if you have one or two causes, and you can make a difference over there, then then just go down those lines. Fantastic.
Finola Howard 27:56
What would you like to leave people with today?
Sinead Kennedy 27:58
I would like to leave people with the realization that you're not the odd one out, because I think for me growing up again, and even now you know, I'm single I'm 51 I'm childless and and very often I hear this or you're the odd one out or you're going to a wedding on your own or something like that. I'm not good doing anything on my own. I'm doing it with myself. You know, people say to me, Oh, you're traveling solo. I go. No, I'm going with myself. And they're like, Oh, you're she's a headcase but but I am with myself and I have a great time with myself. You are never alone, because you are your own best friend. From you know, till death. Do your part with yourself. So you really, really do need to learn to love yourself, and spend time with yourself. And you can't be the odd one out when you're with yourself. You just can't be. I
Finola Howard 28:43
love it. Thank you so much, Sinead. Fantastic, a lovely way to leave people. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed that episode. And if you'd like to find out more about Sinead then connect with her on LinkedIn, and check out Sinead e kennedy.com. Where you can also buy her book life is a cycle. And if you'd like to support the show, please follow or subscribe on your chosen platform. It makes all the difference to the impact that I'd love this podcast to have on the world, deeper conversations that allows us to grow to celebrate each other's truths. And to know that there are many who are working with a greater purpose in the world.
